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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29589975">i've loved you for so long. (but it's never going to be me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/winwinz/pseuds/winwinz'>winwinz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Short Story, Wrong timing, jisung can't stop thinking about minho, like super short, minho is sorta toxic here, told in jisung's perspective</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:01:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,675</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29589975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/winwinz/pseuds/winwinz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>to jisung, minho is his moon.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i've loved you for so long. (but it's never going to be me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b><span class="u">NEW MOON<br/>
</span></b>❛ <em>new beginnings </em>❜</p>
<p>You were the beginning of every chapter written in my story. Your writing has trailed from the moment I could breathe to the second I felt as though I was dying. My blood paints certain pages because whenever I strayed away from your grasp, the tip of your pencil met any part they possibly could and you'd drag me all the way to your desk until I knew who I belonged to. Dried tears litter the cover, broken cries crumble the pages, and most of all a love that was always one-sided deems the story useless. I no longer know how I feel towards you.</p>
<p>Your name rings at least once every day: loud, distant, yet it brings me both agony, and warmth in that split second. Memories of what we used to be — of the prologue and shredded pages in our story — litter my mind. This action pulls your tainted image close to my heart that it ultimately hurts me more than I hurt with you. It angers me and <em>suffocates </em>me to the point that every time I try to breathe I can't.</p>
<p>I blame myself for that entirely. I blame myself for allowing your ghost to hinge me down into the bottom of an ocean full of our memories: no room to breathe, nothing to see, nothing besides the same flickering of painful love that you granted me.</p>
<p>We fall so willingly even if we don't know yet. We take the bait someone has to offer and latch ourselves onto the hook to the point we're so stuck that we can't let go. I was the perfect bait for all of this. I'd never known how easy it was to fall in love with someone no matter how many times we convince ourselves we should. <em>I shouldn't have loved you. </em>You were filled with pain, the perfect embodiment of toxic and someone so willing to destroy another for their own benefit.</p>
<p>My thoughts of you at first didn't compare to how I thought of you after I noticed. After I noticed that I didn't just see you as an annoying friend. I didn't see you as someone I can talk to so casually without feeling the slightest bit flustered. You weren't someone I could push around and degrade in a way close friends would. You were more than that.</p>
<p>You were a friend to me at first you know? Someone I trusted and cared about. Everything I thought of revolved around you. I stayed with you for four whole years convincing myself that you would be just that ( Why couldn't I continue that lie? ) but I can never ignore it.</p>
<p>How much I wish I could've ignored it.</p>
<p>I remember that moment. The exact image of it all. The small sliver of light that leaked into your room and you buried yourself under your sheets while you sniffled because <em>he tore you apart. </em>I remember the way you thrashed whenever I tried to hold you and how you yelled at me to leave because I shouldn't see you like this, because you would be fine later.</p>
<p>You were a shriveled-up piece of paper full of his wants, his desires, his descriptions of you. You became everything he wanted that when he finally left you were nothing but an empty shell: void of emotions, empty of dreams, and in complete agony.</p>
<p>I hated that.</p>
<p>You had a total of six relationships in the time I had known you. The first a mutual breakup, the second long-distance became too hard, the third because what? You lost interest in her day by day. The fourth another mutual, the fifth you found him in bed with another person and completely lashed out on him. Now the sixth he simply fell out of love with you although I think he grew tired of having you under his control.</p>
<p>Despite how twisted he was with you, you loved him. With every bone in your body, fragment of your mind, and sparkle in your eyes, you loved him. So you tumbled down a path I would become familiar with as well because you had changed and I thought I still loved you the same.</p>
<p>Deep down—and I mean <em>truly</em> deep down I despised that feeling. Not because I didn't want to like you but rather because I knew that it was either you or me who would fall out of love so quickly. We were so imperfect everywhere, couldn't we have seen that? </p>
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<p><span class="u"><b>WAXING CRESCENT<br/>
</b></span>❛<em> intentions </em>❜</p>
<p>Your eyes are always full of bittersweet liquor— a liquid that gives me headaches but numbs everything for a few hours that I don't stop myself from downing another glasses after I've said I had enough. Slight sparkles of stars drip from them as well, so pretty that I've never hesitated to touch them at least once even if they burn the pad of my fingers. I adored the pain you gave to me then, devoured the way my stomach twisted when I realized I loved you because I believed that was love was supposed to feel. Especially when I admitted who I was. I was bisexual and my first love would be you.</p>
<p>The timing seemed flawless. I'd fall in love with you the second I freed myself from a burden of secrets and you would in return, fall in love with me just the same. Now that I look back on that, it was always wrong. The memories we created of <em>us </em>is toxic. It kills me because everything was fake. The day I confessed to you, was all made up. The day we became friends, was faulty. It was all <em>nothing </em>besides an excuse to find some sort of comfort.</p>
<p>This love was pushed onto us in order to hide the pain we felt. It was to hide your heartbreak, to hide my loneliness, and to hide the fact that we were breaking apart with every step forward we took. We were shoving a puzzle piece that did not fit and would never fit into each other's lives. We were impatient and stupid. Before your corruption, you were amazing, Minho.</p>
<p>I won't deny that. I won't say that every moment I had with you wasn't worth it but right now, none of this should have been us. <em>We </em>should have never been us.</p>
<p>We put pressure on each other when we had promised we wouldn't. Minho, it still hurts. Everything hurts. All the words that were said, the promises we've made, and the things we swore would never happen did happen. I've turned against you because now I have nothing but a burning <em>hatred </em>towards you. Where did any of this get us?</p>
<p>Nothing. We were nothing besides a handful of broken promises I now call bullshit and a year worth of lousy memories that pushed us back to where we started: <em>strangers. </em>Even if I say that our time was worthy, it's pitiful. It's pitiful that all of this was truly a waste of my time. </p>
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<p><b><span class="u">FIRST QUARTER<br/>
</span></b>❛ <em>decision making </em>❜</p>
<p>Everything with you was deemed insignificant from the moment we started dating. The twists and turns in our personalities came into play the moment you told me that I was something more to you, that I wasn't the only one going crazy in their own mind trying to forget about these feelings. (You were crazy because you were alone, I was crazy because I saw a chance.) I remember everything about that. I remember that it was the beginning of fall, we were in a nearby ice cream shop, you had vanilla because you were always such a bore and persisted in saying that it was the best flavors were the originals.</p>
<p>We'd bicker like we usually did. That same hue of friendliness covering us from head to toe despite the occasional flicker of red that washed over you at any mention of <em>him. </em>I'd try my best to remove each wilting rose from your hand, blowing slightly at the wounds created by his thrones, and it wasn't until the door to the shop opened — I was not looking that direction but I heard — that your eyes seemed to light up the same way it always did.</p>
<p>Just that this time you blurted out something that seemed to shake the whole world, something that would forever haunt me and keep me awake because none of this was true. <em>You liked me.</em></p>
<p>I wasn't able to mutter a word before your wounded hand went to grasp at my nape, hold gentle yet obviously rushed, and then my lips were against yours. It was blissful in those lingering seconds. The confession, the kiss, the time. Everything made me feel cared for and those feelings that made me insane had simmered down into nothing but pure truth.</p>
<p>The dying roses had become ashes and aconites decorated every crevice of your face, their petals creeping into my lungs with every inhale I take. They ache but despite how many times I try to cough them up they won't budge. They remain locked into their place, their roots seeping into my organs but I'm too mesmerized by you to dwell onto them much longer.</p>
<p>You'd give me a shy smile after, hands covering your face now as it flushed. Your eyes never met mine and I felt special, Minho. <em>Special. </em>I knew what we were doing was wrong. You were putting out your cold, rough hand in order to grasp onto my warm ones. You were heartbroken and looking for someone to fill in that void. I knew but the words crept their way from my lips before I could fight against it. <em>I liked you too.</em></p>
<p>You seemed surprised at that, your eyes going wide at the warmth that met your freezing hand, denial was evident in your face but I was too far into my own bliss to think twice about it. (I wished I did.) You were quick to bury that initial shock and cover it back up with the same euphoria I reflected in my own.</p>
<p>Then one nervous giggle left you and you pulled away.</p>
<p>I caught a glimpse of his hoodie though — your favorite one to be exact.</p>
<p>I'd always see him in every move you did, in every word said, in every spark of happiness that surged through you but I never wanted to admit it. Now I wished I slapped us both back then. </p>
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<p><span class="u"><b>WAXING GIBBOUS<br/>
</b></span>❛ <em>when the darkness falls </em>❜</p>
<p>Your surges of love however did come through some days. When I made those stars in your eyes, your heart race, and memories of him departed from your mind. It showed whenever it rained — or I guess to be specific the first time it rained without him by your side. You never enjoyed the rain and at first, I thought it was because of the aftermath of it. The humidity and the fact that everything was miserably wet.</p>
<p>Yet through the days, we established something more you would ramble on about it. No one was ever there to walk with you in the rain. Your parents were always busy but you knew it wasn't because they didn't love you, they were simply too caught up in trying to love you a different way. They looked into needs, not time. So through tears, you would walk the same streets home, and when you did arrive there it was empty.</p>
<p>Those moments you felt neglected and it seemed to stick every time. It seems to stick now and since you weren't essentially alone anymore that clinginess made its way into the light. So whenever the rain trickled down the window, you'd find your way into my arms. Sometimes you would cry out of frustration and an ultimate hatred towards yourself and other times you would grab my hand and trace every mark there seeking a distraction from everything outside.</p>
<p>I'd never say a thing about it. All I would do was put my things aside and focus everything on you. I made sure that you would never feel neglected because I believed that's how love should be. When things are going right then there aren't so many words that need to be said yet when things start corrupting and falling into what they used to be then that's when <em>something </em>should happen. </p>
<p>That was how our relationship should've been.</p>
<p>Nothing should have been forced or felt like we were being <em>contained. </em>It needed to be an equal give and return but it was give and go's. It was always give and go's. I gave you my all, Minho and you gave nothing in return.</p>
<p>Everything I gave to you, you burned because you were so lovesick for someone else. Our relationship would become a drag and I'd fall out of love quicker than it took for me to admit I was in love. The petals would grow, the scars would cover my hands, and every ounce of pain you once had would transfer to me.</p>
<p>You never loved me. You never loved me and yet, I was the first and last one to fall out of love with you. You never once cared—you never did and I was a fool to fall for your innocent and petty act.</p>
<p>But Minho, the moon was so beautiful while it lasted. </p>
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<p><span class="u"><b>FULL MOON<br/>
</b></span>❛ <em>manifestation desires </em>❜</p>
<p>The more I write about our relationship the more confused I make myself. There are moments where I felt like I had you. Where our lips would touch, my fingers intertwined with yours, giggles created by me that make everything so much more complicated. That same puzzlement drowns me entirely especially when I think about the first time I was ever intimate with you.</p>
<p>I never understood how it happened; how I allowed myself to be mesmerized by your body, by the sounds that left your lips with every gentle kiss I gave to your jaw, and overall how I wounded up giving you my all on a night that should have never been from the start. You were supposed to be at your dorm and I was hanging out with Seungmin. We'd had one drink and that's it before you were already calling. Seungmin retaliated against me answering. He said that I'd dedicated too much time to you already and it was time that I learned to live <em>my </em>life. Live as Han Jisung, not Lee Minho's boyfriend.</p>
<p>I ignored the first call, downed another drink, and then you called again. I was concerned, to say the least, my heart in my throat with every ring I let slip past followed by the slight glare Seungmin threw at my phone.</p>
<p>Then it was the fourth call (I lost track of how much I drank) and I excused myself to answer. Seungmin was already long gone that all he could do was give me a shaky thumbs up in return. I remember laughing and then your voice filled my ears. It was broken, quiet, and everything I'd never wished for you. You'd yell at me for not answering but never made finished before you broke down into a fit of tears.</p>
<p>Without hesitating or Seungmin knowing I walked to your building and then with a guilty look I knocked on your door. The anxiety that gnawed at both my stomach and heart was unbearable. The thought that something could've happened- that I could've prevented those tears had I decided to give up my time with Seungmin for you, made me feel like I had done wrong. Was there something I could have done?</p>
<p>The door opened at the aura of your place let me know that something was wrong. Your eyes flickered for a sense of wholeness along with the heartbreak that I thought I had already cured —<em>Everything is so messed up. </em>— You cried into my shoulder, body shaking, and fragile as we sat on your couch. My hand would run up your back leaving behind small specks of glitter across your scarred skin. The words that slipped past your lips were the truth- <em>is </em>the truth because everything right now is a big ugly mess.</p>
<p>Your cries had simmered down into sniffles followed by your death grip on my arms. I asked how you felt but you shook your head refusing to answer so I stopped. It wasn't until I picked you up to lay you on your bed that you moved. You hurriedly pushed your lips against mine yet again. The only difference, however, was the obvious trace of regret.</p>
<p>Yet I fell for every gesture —<em>I love you. I love you so much </em>— That time I spent learning all about you confuses me. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could've done better, what would've happened if I had said no or if I stayed with Seungmin when he had asked me to. I think about it all but during that night you'd plant seeds of white carnations into my heart. You'd allow for the stems to grow weakly and painfully due to the fact that it was never given your love.</p>
<p>— <em>Please don't leave. Don't leave. </em>— Even after we had finished off, you didn't let me move. You held onto me tightly. It was a never-before kind of bliss and it startled you from the core. Or at least that's what I like to say when I start drifting off into our breakup. You were scared and I was overly reliant on you.</p>
<p>You didn't mean every word said. You were only angry and I would never be able to stop that. Your selfishness would seep through but I had to accept that. I need to accept that. I wanted anything and everything from you but you left me with nothing. </p>
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<p><b><span class="u">THIRD QUARTER <br/>
</span></b>❛ <em>reflection and letting go </em>❜</p>
<p>When the day came where things stopped officially were cut off I <em>hated </em>you. I hated every bone in your body. I despised every perfect memory you gave me. I wanted to forget the smile I came to adore, I wanted to forget the way your fingers intertwined with mine as though they were meant to always be with mine, I wanted to forget the kisses given and the words said because I was withering away in them. I was now stripped bare of a title I had grown attached to and it killed me.</p>
<p>The thought of letting you go had run through my mind a thousand times when we were together and I knew it was something inevitable. I knew it would hurt but I still let myself fall into every crevice of warmth you gave off and I was drowning in this horrible fantasy you've created. I walked the tightrope that shook with every step forward I took and in the midst of talking with you, you cut it in half watching the way I fell into a hole of despair.</p>
<p>It was sudden and I couldn't say much before you already collected your things and stormed out of the café. I remember feeling nauseous and that day the moment I walked into my dorm, I ran into the bathroom and threw up anything I possibly could. I skipped the rest of my classes and ignored anyone who tried to talk to me because I didn't know what happened. (What did happen?)</p>
<p>I let that day trickle by even if it was so slow and then the next I found myself in front of your door. You didn't falter when you opened the door, eyes filled with boredom and body covered with an oversized hoodie, <em>my hoodie. </em>Why did you wear it? — <em>I meant it </em>— I asked you question after question hoping to get some closure but all you did was shake your head. I tried to find any ounce of denial but there was nothing. God, I wish there was something.</p>
<p>— <em>Stop making a fool of yourself Jisung, please. </em>— Those words struck me harder than it should've. That same sick feeling taking over my body and every fragment that loved you became disgusted. So I only nodded my head and walked away. You thought I was a fool, the longer I stood there I was becoming more of a joke to you and I hated that.</p>
<p>I hated you.</p>
<p>You used me in your own way and twisted what should've been an innocent relationship into something that satisfied your needs. You let me cling onto you and when you had me right where you wanted me to be, you let me drop. You let me fall and shatter into small pieces of glass that you could put together in a mosaic for your collection of souvenirs.</p>
<p>The flickering thought that you had possed the same characteristics as your ex who had torn you in half never left my mind and because of that, I'd stay awake at night denying it. You weren't him and I needed to understand. You weren't him and it was just my mind trying to blame you for the heartache I felt.</p>
<p>I'd cry and think for days on end. Where did things go wrong? Where did I lose myself?</p>
<p>Minho, I really don't know what else to say. My love for you turned into my own form of self-destruction and I didn't want to love you any more if it meant that. I didn't want any of this. I wanted your memories gone but I knew I couldn't.</p>
<p>It was sometime when the flowers had begun to blossom (our flowers were wilting already) that your words finally registered in my mind and by then everyone around us was creating their own love story.</p>
<p>It's summer when I feel my heart get ripped in half all over again because you finally came to return the sweater you wore. Yet it's the summer that I realize I can't mope about you anymore. I can't stop myself from moving forward all because of these twisted words you've given me. I can't.</p>
<p>It's the summer that I take the offer that I had ignored continuously. It's the summer when I finally accept the chance to study at another campus. It's the summer that I begin to take a step into the healing process.</p>
<p>I'm sorry I could never be enough. I'm sorry that you'll never understand how much I truly loved you and how you'll always have a part of my heart because no matter how much I try to take it back, you never let me. The moon is beautiful and sometimes I wish you could see it too, you know? It wouldn't have made everything so painful as it is now.</p>
<p>I promise you everything will play out. I promise you that I'll pick up the broken pieces of me and use them for good. I promise—I promise you won't see me again. I'm going to restart now, Minho.<br/>
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Somewhere <em>better</em>.</p>
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<p><span class="u"><b>WANING CRESCENT</b></span><br/>
❛ <em>changing seasons </em>❜</p>
<p>You were my moon in the darkest of nights. The one sole beauty that stuck during a time where no one besides the observer could understand the true meaning of the small specks of sparkles that littered around you. You were taunting for you only glowed whenever you were fed with a glance and when no one paid any attention to you, you only shone brighter, blinding everyone and we <em>had </em>to look in order to stop you. You were in competition with the sun because you never wanted any form of self-love. You denied it and because of that the numerous eclipses that should have happened never occurred.</p>
<p>I understand that you may have not looked at this the same way I do and at this point, that's okay. The moon was so beautiful though, Minho. It was beautiful even if it was wrong. It was mesmerizing despite how blinding it was. It filled that neverending loneliness I had and for that, I hold no grudges anymore. Even if you <em>tore me apart </em>and made me <em>question </em>everything I won't take any of it back.</p>
<p>I don't want to take it back because I love you. I really do and I won't run away from it nor will I stay with you. I adore you but if it's this suffocating feeling that I must go through every second I linger around you I do not want it anymore.</p>
<p>I'm <em>human </em>and you are a moon I can no longer handle but would much rather observe from afar. You're far out of my reach now and I don't have any desire to try and bring you back because I love you. I love you so much to allow you to waste your time on someone who can no longer understand who he is as a person. I won't let you.</p>
<p>I'm not going to stay with you, Minho. No matter how many times you ask and no matter how much it irks me because you don't have any power to make me stay, I won't. I won't because I don't want to. You don't deserve the fact that I loathe our memories and I push these horribly sickening words onto you over the truth.</p>
<p>I jumped too ahead and you were only going with it. I noticed and I let you convince me I didn't. You don't deserve any of that and I'm tired of pacing back and forth in my room so I'll go.</p>
<p>But I never want you to forget that the moon was so beautiful. </p>
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<p><b><span class="u">NEW MOON <br/>
</span></b>❛<em>new beginnings </em>❜</p>
<p>❝ <b>DO YOU THINK </b>things could<br/>
have been different?"</p>
<p>"No, because in the end, you<br/>
were always going to hurt me."</p>
<p>The moon is an embodiment of the rhythm of time. It stands for immortality, eternity, and enlightenment. It shows the dark side of nature itself. Each turn it takes holds its own meaning and it is because of that, that I write like you are the moon itself. You're the beginning and the end of my youth.</p>
<p>You're the dark side of everything and it is the dark side that I believed in during every ticking moment. It is the hideous desires that I fell for, the sinister looks, and the greedy words that I trusted in. It's the poisonous lips that I took and took from. It's the moments where I ran the pad of my fingers against your glittered covered skin that I've come to treasure from now.</p>
<p>And if I could wish for something more in this world it would be for you to meet the sun someday. For they will burn away any remaining bits of petals that have yet to wilt in you and only then will you ever become the darkness that anyone can dive into first without any doubts.</p>
<p>I'll believe that you loved me even if it was the smallest ounce of love, I'll believe that because you do not deserve to stay stranded in your own darkness. I do not have any desire to leave you bare and sick the way you had done to me. I'll believe in the moments where the flowers had blossomed and I trusted the you that laid next to me.</p>
<p>I'll let myself fall for that. And if you do decide to open the letter then please don't be afraid anymore. Let the eclipse occur and even if it may hurt those around you in the process only those who bring the proper eyewear could ever truly see that you aren't all that I've said you are.</p>
<p>Fall in love, Minho. Fall in love even if it's messy and it scares you because that's how it is. Become another object like the sand that meets the sea and <em>love </em>even if people call you crazy for it. Love so that what I'm doing isn't all for nothing. You deserve your own euphoria and I will not apologize for being unable to give you that because to me,</p>
<p>The moon <em>was </em>beautiful.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"Don't be."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>crossposted on wattpad ^^</p>
<p>tellonym: <a href="https://tellonym.me/dearwonpil/">dearwonpil</a><br/>wattpad: <a href="https://www.wattpad.com/user/DEARSICHENGS/">dearsichengs</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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